Confused Heart
by stare at walls
Summary: When a person falls in love, do they become selfish? do they see who they hurt? do they even know what they feel? A heart just thawed from the bitter cold falls for two beings, and hurts others in the process. HororenLyserg
1. Chapter 1

its a point of view thing. its yaoi erm..i meant shonen ai. don't read it if you hate same sex things. flames are ok, floods aren't

here's your warning:

**_ITS YAOI! DON"T LIKE THEN DON'T READ IT!_**

**_ITS YAOI! DON"T LIKE THEN DON'T READ IT!_**

**_ITS YAOI! DON"T LIKE THEN DON'T READ IT!_**

Chapter One: Horohoro X RenTao

RenTao: it all started as a practice match between Horohoro and me. Heh. At the start of the match, a smirk rolled off my lips, anticipating the oncoming match. Or was I? My eyes wandered throughout Horohoro's face and my eyes met his. Shit. His electrifying blue eyes, pierced through me. I felt an instinct to place my hand on his cheek, but scolded myself.

"Ren! What the hell are you doing? Concentrate!"

I must've looked strange, because Horohoro stared at me angrily, and looked really pissed.

He shouted, "You're going down Ren!"

and looked at me menacingly. I simply smiled. It was so cute to see him try so hard; too bad he was going down! His eyes caught mine briefly, wondering when the match would start. I went in position and got ready to attack, so did he. Heh.

"OVERSOUL!"

Horohoro's voice echoed through the night.

He attacked; but I just blocked and brushed it aside. This seemed to enrage him more. Sweet. The battle went on, with him attacking and me dodging, getting bored to the end of my wits. As he prepared to destroy me with a powerful attack, I dodged it and sneaked up behind him, my face intimately close to his. Hey now, this is a surprise, even for me. I wasn't expecting to be this close to him.

Horohoro: I felt his breath, uncomfortably close to my ear, and my heart started beating at least ten times faster than normal. It was so loud; it almost felt as if he could hear it. I was frozen. Stuck.

**DAMMIT**! I felt myself slowly getting red. I looked over my shoulder cautiously. Then, I felt Ren's breathing go faster. Arrgh! He looked at me, for a moment looking shocked, and then he smiled. One of those smiles. He chuckled as I saw an arm wrap around my neck…

I expected the arm to strangle me or something, but surprisingly it was gentle, almost caressing. I almost didn't want to pull it off, but then I came to my senses and started tugging at it, which seemed to get a grip the more I tugged.

I tried to pull it off, but Ren's eyes just looked at me, were boring into me, as if he could tell what I was thinking. I knew I looked stupid, tugging his arm off in a lame attempt to get free. Suddenly, I felt an unknown emotion suddenly blaze, eating me up slowly…

RenTao: I found myself looking at him, his eyes intently on mine. My arm just seemed to somehow wrap itself on his neck, and as I wrapped my arm on his, I felt his hand on my arm. I looked at him and saw just that. His tugging on my arm in a pathetic attempt to pull it off only served to heighten the tension.

"What was he thinking?"

I briefly wondered.

I've been with Horohoro long enough to somehow understand him, but this time was different. His eyes were so deep and showed emotions I hadn't seen on him before. Suddenly, my heart beat faster, and I succumbed to….a feeling I hadn't felt before in my chest.

I leaned closer, my mouth to his mouth, my breath bated. Then all blurred.

Horohoro:

"Wait, Ren, What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I shouted.

"Stop, Ren get a hold of yourself!"

I tried to pull him off but his arm was anchored to my neck, and he seemed posed to deliver a…a…KISS!** NOOOOOOOOO!**

Ren Tao: My mouth was 10th of a centimeter away from Horohoro's, when everything came into focus. It was all still, as if time had stopped. I looked at Horohoro, his face a mixture of shock, joy and puzzlement. _What was I doing?_ It dawned on me, that I was trying to kiss him. What? Did I _feel_ something for Horohoro? Godammit! I felt myself panting, reeling from shock. What was Horohoro to me, I briefly asked myself, not wanting to hear the answer. I backed away, slowly but at the same time I felt myself savoring his scent.

"Ren get a hold of yourself!"

I screamed at myself in the back of my mind. He took a step nearer, his eyes questioning. I took a tentative one backwards. Then I turned and fled, my heart beating maybe 100 beats per second. Whatever, I had to hightail it out of here. Stupid Horohoro! But as I said that under my breath, my mind chanted his name,

"Horohoro, Horohoro…."

And I tried to push it off my brain as I ran off into the darkness.

Horohoro: I chased after him, to no avail. The biting desert night cold swirled around me, and I automatically put my fingers to my lips, recalling what happened a moment ago…

_NO! What the hell am I doing? Stupid Ren! Just because he's mightier and faster he thinks he can just…GRRR!_

I ran off to the inn we were staying at, pushing Ren off from the back of my mind. That is, if I didn't see him later. Arrrgh!

_Frustration frustration_

and that's part one. please review. that button down there screams your NAME! review please. will update! wheeeeeeee!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Lyserg?

Lyserg:

_(Panting) Haaa…haaa…. Arrgh, Where's Ren? I've been looking all over this desert for him…. _

"MORPHINE!"

I call out.

Morphine, my spirit guide appears beside me, smiling.

"Let's go look for Ren, Morphine!"

So Morphine and I look around the desert for Ren.

"Ren where are you?"

I heard myself whisper to the wind.

As these words escaped from my lips, I felt all warm inside.

"God, god, god!" what am I talking about? Why am I acting this way?

Beats me. Somehow, just thinking of the guy and seeing him was enough to elicit butterflies in my stomach and a sense of freakish security that I did not want to even know why it appeared. _Why the hell am I looking for Ren again_, I ask myself. Briefly, I hoped that I hadn't left the X-Laws to look for him. Then I asked myself, why the hell did I decide _to look for_ Ren anyway?

Well, the answer to that question was that I simply acted on impulse, just moving on the sheer thought that I wanted to see his face, those intense golden eyes that almost felt as if I could drown in them………**WAIT!**

"Stop it Lyserg!" I snap myself back to reality. "For crying out loud, what are you thinking of?"

I must've been too absorbed in my thoughts because I finally realized that I had stopped walking and Morphine was staring at me, worried. I quickly reassured her that I was all right.

"Christ," I whisper to myself "What would Marco think if he knew what I was doing right now."

Wondering quietly..

Ren Tao: After getting lost in the desert trying to rid my thoughts of Horohoro, I saw a lone figure, near a sand dune.

That form, it seemed familiar.

My heart skipped a beat and I drew closer.

That green hair, and-, and that fairy thing gliding beside the figure was none too familiar. Was it he, Lyserg? It couldn't be…

Could it?

Lyserg: I noticed that it had grown darker and I paused by a nearby sand dune to rest.

_Arrgh_.

I hadn't eaten a single morsel of food nor drunk a single godforsaken drop of water. Of course, it was all at the command of Marco. Making me train much,much harder than before….

_Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

Commencing to bump my head into what looked like a sturdy pile of rocks to punish myself, the rocks crumbled into sand and are blown away by a breeze. Then I realized how tired I was, how exhausted I was, how particularly starving I was, and my view started to blur. No matter. I sat down on the ground in an attempt to snap me back to consciousness, but it just backfired.

Shit, I was slumping down and everything was blurry.

But as I was slowly being taken into the depths of unconsciousness, I saw a familiar, albeit blurry face. It had purple hair and its voice sounded much like Ren's.

"_Lyserg! Lyserg!"_

the almost heavenly voice shouted desperately.

"Ren…?"

I croaked, reaching out into the air as I finally lost touch with consciousness.

Ren Tao: It _was_ Lyserg! I ran towards him, hoping to greet him happily.

For a moment there, I forgot all about what happened a minute ago with…Horohoro.

But as I ran to Lyserg, I saw him fall, almost fainting, actually. It wasn't then that I realized that he was fainting.

I ran with all my life at this point, unexplainably worried that Lyserg had fainted. I got to him and tried to snap him back to consciousness.

"Lyserg! Lyserg!" I called, but he was unconscious.

"Damn it." I said quietly.

I picked him up to bring him back to the inn I stayed at. As I picked up his body in the sort of position that newlywed men carry their brides (What! I had no choice, he was heavy!) His face ended up pressed against my chest, but at the same time close to my face. I caught myself staring at his unconscious face, but I couldn't stop staring. He was so beautiful that…Just staring at his face in the soft, pale moonlight made me feel all warm and tingly inside, and suddenly, I felt…WHAT? Did I feel protective for this guy?.

"Damn you" I growled at myself although I walked slower than usual, as if to savor the moment,

"first Horohoro and now this guy?"

Sigh. "I must be going nuts" I say to no one in particular.

Lyserg: As I was floating dream-like in the darkness slowly enveloping me, I jerked myself awake; using just about every ounce of willpower I had in me to do it. I opened my eyes, though it seemed that my eyes planned to keep shut for a longer period of time. Finally, everything came into focus. I felt that I was being carried by someone and looked up to see who was carrying me. I look up, and see Ren! Too tired to actually talk, much less shout, I could only manage a tiny whisper. "Ren…" I softly whispered, feeling the butterflies come, though weakly. He looked at me with a face that was positively puzzled but tinged with joy and sadness all at once. It felt so safe and secure and I couldn't fight the emotions flooding in, fast. What am I thinking! Shit, this is so humiliating! But I succumbed to the emotion and couldn't control myself any longer. I couldn't stop my hand as it almost automatically laid itself to Ren's cheek, where he promptly blushed. I slowly felt that I was once again going to faint. As I fainted, I felt his hand hold mine, enveloping it in warmth. It almost felt as if he was afraid that I would be gone. Then, it was dark.

Ren Tao: I saw Lyserg stir, and I looked at him, half-expecting him to smile and half not expecting him to react as well. Most of the time, Lyserg was cold and though kind, he was still cold. I knew I was cold, but when I was with Lyserg, I felt almost desperate to have him be warm to me, and hold his hand. I felt butterflies in my stomach, but simply brushed the feeling aside. I am carrying this guy simply to save and help him, not because he let me carry him. Then, I jerked back to reality. I saw those pair of emerald green eyes, looking at me, foggy though, but somehow appealing in the moonlight. He whispered my name, and immediately my heart seemed to stop beating. "DAMMIT!" I screamed in my head. He looked at me beseechingly and laid his hand gently on my cheek. I let out an uncontrolled and shaky sigh and looked at him. He was slowly becoming unconscious again. I put my hand over his, gripping it tightly. As I did this, I realized that his eyes and face looked like an angel, and as he slipped away, I silently whispered to the wind "Don't worry, you're safe now."


	3. Chapter 3

yay! i know...its a boring read...hope you like it though! please review!

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Chapter Three: Roommates

Ren Tao: I put Lyserg on my bed the moment I got to the inn. The bellman was looking at me puzzlingly and asked,

"Do you need help sir?"

and to which I immediately answered, "No you asshole, leave me alone!" clutching Lyserg closer to me.

I ran off to my room and gently put Lyserg on my bed, taking care to keep is hands warm and walked out of the room, resisting the urge to give him a goodnight kiss. I headed off to Horohoro's room and knocked.

Horohoro: Eh? I jerk awake, startled by someone pounding my door down. I decided not to wear a shirt and only wore boxers, and as I got up from my warm and comfortable bed I immediately felt cold.

I opened the door and saw Ren, looking at me with an expression I couldn't quite read.

"What the hell is he doing here?" I thought, still puzzled and bothered by that _thing_ that happened between us a while ago.

"Maybe," I thought,

"he's going to apologize or something" I immediately decided that I wouldn't let him apologize because he was my friend and friends are friends no matter what.

But, although I said that to myself, my heart was pounding too fast, too hard almost as if it was trying to get out of my chest. He smiled and asked me if he could spend the night with me.

I wondered why and asked him.

To this he replied,

"I forgot my keys to my room" and I let him in, feeling awkward.

Ren Tao: he opened the door and to my surprise was wearing boxers. It was so cold and I saw him shiver uncontrollably. Somehow, every nerve in me wanted to warm him up, to turn off the cold, to hug him tight enough so that he'd feel warm anything to make him comfortable.

I resisted. _Whew! _

He simply looked at me, with his ice-blue eyes, and flopped back down on the bed.

He looked at me again and moved to indicate that I could sleep beside him, if I wanted to. Since there weren't any sofas or any of the sorts, I lay down beside Horohoro.

Horohoro: I tried to sleep, but it was too awkward. I didn't move, feeling his warm body against mine, almost as if I could…but finally, my eyes shut, and I floated away.

Ren Tao: I could hear him snoring. Damn it! Why did he have to be so noisy?

_Sigh _

as I was forcing myself to sleep, suddenly Horohoro hugged and mumbled at me, still asleep, probably sleep-talking,

"Stay here…. Don't leave me."

I could feel a swirl of his hot breath on my neck as he half-mumbled, half-whispered those words to me. Then, as if to react, my body faced his and my lips lay on his as a thank you for just being there.

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and thats it! the button LURVES YOU! please review... puppydog eyes please...?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter four: The Inn

Lyserg: _Groan_… I wake up, feeling nauseated, dizzy, and hungry all at the same time. Quickly, I realized that I wasn't at the desert at all. I was in a simple but clean room, with the morning sunbeams streaming in gloriously.

"Just what heaven would look like"

I chuckled to myself.

I lay down on the bed again, thinking about what happened last night.

"_Did it really happen?"_

"_Did Ren Tao actually carry me and hold my hand?"_

I immediately drew my hand closer to my cheek and felt myself go red. I closed my eyes, trying to recall what happened last night and I did not resist the butterflies in my stomach as I recalled the happenings last night.

Ren Tao: I was wandering around the inn, and I was feeling groggy. My feet somehow led me in front of my room.

I didn't sleep in my room last night, after placing Lyserg on my bed; I knocked on Horohoro's room, and slept there.

I paused in front of the room door, waiting for something to happen. Whatever it was, I had no idea. Finally, I gathered the strength to open the knob. I did it slowly, worried that I might wake the person inside. Lyserg was lying on the bed, with his eyes closed, hand to his cheek and looking flushed. He looked adorable and I just couldn't stop myself from staring at him. Then, once again, my emotions got the better of me and everything got blurry…

Lyserg: The memory was blurry, but I was entirely sure it happened. Ren did take me here. Wherever this was. I inhaled sharply and thought, eyes still closed,

"I have to get out of here, I'll just be a burden on Ren."

And I proceeded to sit upright, and as I did, something surprised me…

Ren Tao: I found myself moving towards Lyserg. I knelt down beside him, observing his face. I moved closer, hearing his calm breathing. For a moment I wondered if he was still asleep, but brushed the thought aside. I was concentrated on doing this, whatever I was supposed to be doing. With my face precariously close to his, I saw; and felt him inhale, almost gasp really, and sit upright. My face close to his, the act of Lyserg sitting upright made our lips press together in a kiss…

Lyserg: I opened my eyes as I was starting to sit up straight, and I saw Ren's face in front of me. I couldn't move fast enough and our lips ended up locked. I actually kissed Ren!

_Although accidental, it was still a kiss_.

I looked at him, his face shocked and I quickly pulled back although the kiss seemed like it took a long time. I raised a shaky hand to my lips and looked Ren in the eye, him looking positively shell-shocked.

Ren Tao: Lyserg pulled back as the kiss happened, and I was surprised. Surprised that I kissed Lyserg, and surprised that this is actually happening! I felt strongly attracted to Lyserg at this point and his blushing only made me feel warm. I reached towards his face and put my hand on his nape, pulling him in…

Lyserg: as I looked at him, his hand slowly went to my nape and I let it stay there. Warning signals in my brain told me that I was about to be kissed. I knew it, but ignored the warning. He pulled me in and I willingly obeyed. His breath heavy, he kissed me deeply and unable to control myself, I kissed him back.

Ren Tao: As I leaned in to give Lyserg another kiss, I felt him kiss me as well. Somehow, this made logical thinking a kind of ability I couldn't do at the moment. A voice at the back of my brain hurled reasons at me, ranging from

"Ren! What would your family say?"

and

"What about Horohoro?"

and so on.

The kiss was deep and seemed long, my emotions pouring out with every moment that passed by.

Lyserg: I told myself to stop, but my body wouldn't obey. I tried to pull back but his grip was too strong and somehow, I didn't want to let go as well. Then…. a door slammed in the background and I was finally able to get to my wits.

Ren Tao: I pulled back, as a door in the background-closed shut. I looked at the door closing and I saw a flash of blue running off. Shit. I had a sickening feeling in my stomach. It could only be Horohoro. I felt cold and clammy and looked at Lyserg, him looking puzzled. I wondered if we really kissed and as I did, I ran off, going nowhere.


	5. Chapter 5

all right! last short chapter! this is the end..but there might be a sequel. one for horo and one for lyserg.

d'you wanna see a sequel? please tell me! wheee!thanks to nirah and miako. the only people who review me! hehehehe..review ok?

Chapter 5: Disappointments

Horohoro: I found myself running towards the back part of the inn. It was quickly turning into nightfall. As I ran, I felt tears streaming down my face.

I couldn't believe it, somehow…just seeing Ren kiss Lyserg made me feel…betrayed.

I slumped on a wall, tears streaming down my face, me sobbing uncontrollably as I saw the blurry moonlight of the full moon shine on me in the desert's dark, buzzing calm.

Ren: My first reaction was to look for Horohoro, but then I realized that I was in the inn lobby. All motivation to look for Horohoro left me. For the first time in my life, I felt vulnerable. Growing up in a Chinese family chock-full of warriors and shamans taught me not to feel vulnerability. I never really knew what emotions were before but…This emotion…this feeling…stung bad and brought unwanted tears, burning in to my eyes. I ran outside, wandering into the rest of the desert trying to make sense of what was happening. I was in the middle of the desert when I tripped on a concealed rock and fell. I let myself fall, too befuddled by emotions to actually be alert.

Lyserg: I couldn't understand exactly what happened after kissing Ren, but something in me made me want to apologize for whatever I had caused. Ren looked so pained a while ago that I wanted to comfort him. I decided that I might be a distraction to him, and that I should forget about Ren. I ran out the door into the night, and proceeded to look for my group, the X-Laws. I was returning to them, and I was going to get stronger…

"I have to."

I told myself, trying my hardest to suppress the tears threatening to fall on my cheek.

"I have to forget all about Ren, and focus on being the Shaman king. I'd only be a stumbling block to Ren's training."

"And", I reasoned,

"He's my enemy as well. He's vying for the shaman king title."

Though the thought did nothing to reassure me.

"I have to sacrifice this. I have to avenge my parents" I decided, feeling the tears slowly falling and longing for his hand to brush it off, but fully knowing that he never will.

Horohoro: I felt bad. I couldn't bring myself to move. I felt like I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. I couldn't understand why. Why was I crying, or why did I feel attached to Ren. I couldn't understand. Maybe I never will…

Lyserg: As I walked away from the inn my thoughts wandered. I wanted to at least say goodbye to Ren, or at the most, say thank you to him. I never got to tell him how much he meant to me…

Goodbye Ren…

Not that it matters.

and there ya go. sad ending. there might a sequel though. please say if you want one! nyahahaha!

that. button. down. there. it calls ya. press and type!


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